Evil is as evil does

It is finished!

2005-05-21T00:07:00.000-07:00

I finally saw episode 3 yesterday. It was fantastic. Darth Sidious steals the show. I am going two more times this weekend. Thanks to all who read and commented on this blog. It was designed to help me practice my writing. Now that the movie is out, I will move on to greener pastures. Thank you to all who read this and found it funny.
sincerely,
RPZ (2005)

Credit where credit is due

2005-05-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

When an apprentice has success, that success should fall upon his master also. A true teacher never competes with his student.
I am guilty of envy of the greenest shade. Recently, I have discovered that my own apprentice Darth Vader has been keeping a journal of sorts http://darthside.blogspot.com , very similar to my own. I know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I cannot help but feel a little sad.
Darth's journal has become the cause celebre of the galaxy, while mine basks in obscurity. Mind you, I was once the subject of a brief discussion on the ice planet of Canada http://snowtroopers.ca. But really, when you are used to billions of people bowing at your feet, you can't help but feel let down by such a measured response.

Too be honest, I find Lord Vader's prose to be a tad too simple for my taste. What do you expect? I was educated at the finest universities on Naboo and Coruscant, top of my class with a major in political science and a minor in fencing. Vader, on the other hand, dropped out of Mos Espa elementary at age ten. Of course, the Jedi order has its own schools, to teach the padawans important skills such as; sewing (they only get one new robe a year), dance (obviously to impress all the girls they're never going to sleep with), and light saber repair ( aka shop class for Jedi - an easy A). Sorry, my disdain for parochial schools is showing.

I would never begrudge a friend his right to express himself, but criminey Darth, crack a book once in a while. Sorry, "Barry the Bantha goes to Toche Station for Power Converters" does not count.
Alas, my jealousy is showing again. I guess I'll kill someone for no reason, that always makes me feel better.

Fruit of my loins

2005-04-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted an heir . To have a little Sith Lord to truly call my own. Unfortunately, wallowing in the Darkside 24/7 causes more than a person's face to shrivel up. I thought about going to Kamino and getting a clone made of myself, but hey, who wants to hang out with a little version of themselves all day (I'm not making judgments). After Jango Fett was separated from his head, I thought about adopting Boba, but Count Dooku kind of glommed on to him. Mind you, Dooku gets hellaciously pissed when he and Boba are at restaurants and the waitress droid keeps referring to Boba as "your grandson".
I feel that I have so many evil things I could teach a child. We could fry a Womp Rat with force lightning. I could teach him to choke the other kids at school for making fun of his cowl. Alas, It looks like I will stuck with going the apprentice route. Who's going to take care of me when I get too old to conjure up a good force storm?

A little joke

2005-04-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

I heard this bon mot in the Galactic Senate canteen today, thought I'd share.

Q: How many clone troopers does it take to screw in a li...A:RIGHT AWAY SIR!!!!!!!

Something has to be said for blind loyalty. It is the backbone of a well ordered galaxy.

Cleanin' House

2005-04-23T00:14:00.000-07:00

It is never easy to fire an employee, it is even harder to fire an apprentice. Count Dooku (aka Darth Tyrannus) and I have kind of run our course. I mean I love the guy to death, but he is a little on the old side to be a Sith apprentice. When we first got together it was magic. We would stay up all night casting spells, talking about the nature of evil, killing weak minions for kicks. Now, I can barely stand being around him. He is always bitching that his hip is sore, or that the Separatist Medicaid plan sucks. I mean really, am I supposed to be his emotional soundboard, absorbing all his problems just to make him feel better. What about my feelings? No one ever says to me, "Don't worry Siddy, I'll bring you Yoda's head on a pike, and then we'll have pie.". I would love to have someone to drop all my problems on, but alas no. Plus, Dooku has that "old man smell".

The truth of the matter is, I've never gotten over the loss of Darth Maul. Count Dooku is just my "rebound" apprentice

What's on my Ipod?

2005-04-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

1. Reign in Blood - Slayer ( gets me going in the morning)
2. Clones- Alice Cooper ( Vince is a golfing buddy)
3. Killing Moon - Echo & the Bunnymen (That's no moon, it's a space station)
4. Mr Roboto - Styx (actually that is one of Greivous's faves)
5. Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler (Turning to the dark side was never so sweet )
6. You're Havin my Baby - Paul Anka (Anakin Skywalker loves this, don't know why)
7. Dust in the Wind - Kansas (so, so true)
8. Theme from Shaft - Issac Hayes (Mace Windu turned me on to this, I must remember to thank him)
9. Breaking us in two - Joe Jackson ( I miss Darth Maul)
10. My Way - Darth Sidious (couldn't help a little self-promotion, my new single is gonna drop in June)

Its not the size of the pencil, its how you write

2005-04-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

The kind of lightsaber a Jedi/Sith has, says a lot about them as a person. It is an extension of their connection to the force. A Jedi or Sith is never without their weapon. Some people have said that Jedi and Sith use their lightsabers to make up for other inadequacies in their physique, let's take a look. Yoda has a short green one. Mace Windu has a purple one. Count Dooku has a crooked one. Darth Maul had a double-ended one. Anakin Skywalker keeps losing his. General Grievous keeps, like eight of them on his belt. Kit Fisto can use his under water. And I keep mine hidden up my sleeve. All and all, the less said about the whole matter, the better.

Breathing easy

2005-04-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

One thing I cannot stand is someone who refuses to take their medicine. How can you ever expect to get better, if you deny yourself the very thing that will facilitate you recovery? I don't think I am giving up some dark Sith secret by saying Darth Vader is asthmatic. The man refuses to carry his inhaler. "I don't have room on my utility belt!", he says. You think with all that fine satin his cape is made of, he would have saved some material for pockets. I wouldn't mind carrying his inhaler, if he would just ask me, but he just assumes I should carry it. I can crush an enemies throat, just by willing it. I can burn Jedi into a cinder with lightning bolts. I can carry out genocide with a single command. One thing I cannot do is read minds. Come on Darth, a little respect and consideration is all I ask for.

Communication breakdown

2005-04-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

People often ask me how Dooku and I chose Jango Fett as the template for our clone/stormtrooper army. The truth is stranger than you think. When Lord Tyrannus asked me what to look for in the perfect warrior, I said, "Lord Tyrannus, find me the gutsiest bounty hunter in the galaxy.". One thing, you have to know about Dooku is that he has the worst hearing. I mean the poor guy is practically deaf, and he is too vain to wear his hearing aides. So what he hears is, "find me the klutziest bounty hunter in the galaxy.". Jango Fett was born with the natural ability to trip over lines on the floor, knock over statues, and bonk his head into doorways. I think it was really what ended up killing him. When you have a bad-assed jedi master coming at you with with a purple lightsaber, you don't star fiddling with controls on your jetpack.

Sometimes, when I see a stormtroooper knock his head against a door, I think of Jango and I laugh. Then I throw the trooper down a reactor shaft

Neither a borrower or a lender be

2005-04-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

I have a strict policy about lending people things. I never lend something that I can't stand to lose. I learned that lesson the hard way, when I loaned my speeder to Darth Maul. That horn-headed little turd left my favorite speeder bike on Tattooine. I know I told him to go there and kill the Jedi, but I didn't mean to send my ride careening into a sand dune. Sheesh. Not to be nervous Nellie, but I never got back a rare Sith holocron with an absolutely fantastic recipe for ambrosia. I think Maul left in his ship on Naboo. Crap. I'm getting mad just thinking about it. Oh well, I guess you live and you learn.

Comfort foods

2005-03-28T22:46:00.000-08:00

When all the pressures of being the most evil person in the galaxy get to me, I snack. So if I am going to stuff my sith lord face, I need it to be healthy. Here is a recipe is guaranteed to satisfy your snackin needs, without the need to increase your Sith robe size.

Healthy Hutt Jalapeno Poppers (serves 4 people)

10-12 Bothan Jalapenos
3 standard cups of curdled Tauntaun milk
2 tablespoons Jawa skin oil
1 teaspoon Diahnoga sweat gland

Mix Tauntaun milk, Jawa skin oil, and Diahnoga sweat in large mixing bowl. Mix on high speed for three minutes. Fill hollowed out jalapenos with mixture. Heat with tip of your lightsaber. Serve in hollowed out Gungan skulls.
Bon Appetit, my young apprentice

Thoughts....

2005-03-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

I have always thought of myself as a person who likes people. Any time I can do something for the common good and I am there. Recently, I was traveling to one of my many secret sith strongholds to torture an informant, I stopped by a small space station. The gift shop the most delightful salt and pepper shakers, that looked like two Banthas involved in a mating ritual. When I saw this, I just knew that I had to get a set for Count Dooku. He loves knick-knacks. After a little negotiation and a little force lightning, I was able to procure the salt and and pepper shakers at substantial discount. Dooku is gonna freak when he sees these.

p.s. Ok! I admit it, I blew up the space station too!